Premature Emasculation
by Forever-Liz
Summary: Outtakes and alternative POVs for the fic "The Emasculation of Edward Cullen." Rated M for language and naughty times.
1. Early Bird Gets the Worm

**A/N: This is a little outtake from The Emasculation of Edward Cullen. Some of you have wanted Bella's POV; well, want no more. **

**All glory goes to TwilightMundi for fixing my mess and making it worth reading.**

**Dear Barburella and Fangirl78, you rock! Thanks for putting up with me. And thanks FG for "KiKi!"**

**Disclaimer- Hold on, let me check something... Nope. I still don't own anything having to do with Twilight. Dammit.**

**8==D**

**The Early Bird Gets the Worm**

**BPOV**

When you've lived in Florida your entire life you should be used to the heat and humidity._ Should _be. That did little to cool me as I stepped out the front door of the Dee-Gee's Sorority house, the keys to my Vespa clinking as I hopped down the stairs. The sweat started to bead on my forehead immediately. I hurried to climb on the scooter, anxious for the breeze riding it would afford. I loved my little mint green scooter! I'd even named her Patty, as in Peppermint Patty. It made getting around campus so much easier. My brother, Em, had his crotch rocket that he sped all over Gainesville on. I had to beg and plead to get Mom and Dad to agree to let me get the Vespa, where as Em just showed up one day with that poor excuse for a motorcycle between his legs and they never batted an eyelash. I mean, if he was going to ride a bike he might as well go for something hot, like a Harley. That Japanese piece of shit was just pathetic.

I puttered toward the Green, a venti pumpkin spice latte from Starbucks my only focus. I parked Patty in the closest lot and made a beeline for the happiest place on Earth. No, not Disney World, Starbucks. Once I had my drink in hand I made my way to my first class of the day, Music History. I loved this class and hated it all at the same time. It was a necessary evil. Majoring in music I had to have this class. It wasn't like it was a hard class, but freshmen level classes were boring and I already knew most of this stuff already. If it hadn't been for Angela being in it I wouldn't have bothered showing up.

We sat towards the front as a precaution. That way we were accountable for having our asses in their seats if for no other reason than the professor would notice our absence if we weren't there. It also helped keep me from being distracted by the activity going on in the seats around us. Our being in the second row didn't keep Ang and me from distracting one another, however. Notes were more often passed than not, and most of them had the same subject: Edward Cullen, who sat two rows behind us and was hotter than the surface of the sun. Apparently Ang and I were sorely lacking in the stealthy note passing skills department. If I had a quarter for every dirty look Professor Smythe shot us in the past six weeks I'd have enough cold hard cash to pay for the next three years of my expensive college education. Well, if I weren't on a scholarship, that is. I couldn't help but turn in my seat and glance back over my shoulder at the guy, especially when he cleared his throat every five minutes. It was almost like he wanted all eyes on him. It figures that Golden Boy Cullen would be a narcissist. We'd had a conversation about this very topic not so long ago.

"I think he just wants _your _eyes on him," Ang goaded me one day after we nearly got tossed out of class for giggling.

"Oh, shut it, Angela. The only one he has eyes for is himself," I argued.

"Maybe, maybe not, but don't you think it's strange that every time you turn around he's looking right at you?"

"Hello? Earth to Ang! I sit at the front of the classroom. Right in front of the podium. Of course he's gonna be looking in my direction! It's more likely that he's trying to see around my unnaturally wide shoulders to see the whiteboard."

"Stop it, Isabella Swan! You know I hate it when you talk like that! You're beautiful, even your name professes this truth."

"Whatever. If he was interested he'd have mentioned something by now. Four weeks. Four. I think that's more than enough time for an overly confident guy to ask a nobody like me out. You're a dreamer, Angie, and I love you for it, but let's just dream about you and Ben. That's so much more realistic, anyway. Besides, for all we know, he may just have the hots for Professor Smythe."

"This is the 21st century, you know. You could ask him out."

"Yeah, thanks but no thanks. I think I'll just wait and see what happens."

"Well, don't wait too long, you know what they say: 'The early bird gets the worm,' Swan."

"Oh, aren't you clever. Maybe this 'bird' isn't interested in slimy 'worms.'"

"How could you not be? That's the prettiest worm I've ever seen!"

"Ew, this conversation is bordering on puke worthy. New topic, please."

**8==D**

The University of Florida. Home of the Gators and the three time National College Football Champs. UF and football were family traditions. In fact, attending any other college wasn't even a thought. It was automatically assumed that Em and I would be the next generation to proudly wear the orange and blue and that Em would play football. Had my ass been smaller I would have been expected to be a cheerleader. I guess having generously sized, baby making hips came in handy sometimes. Both of our parents were alumni, as were our grand parents. Both sets. I never even applied to any other universities. It's a wonder our parents didn't name us Albert and Alberta Gator after the mascots for UF. It was also expected that Emmett and I would pledge our parents' fraternity and sorority. Of course, we were invited to join thanks to very generous donations from "Biff" and "Ree-Ree". Apparently our parent's had _redorkulous_ nicknames in college. Thank god they didn't go by that shit anymore. Says the girl who shares a room with a girl named _KiKi_. I'm not kidding, the woman preferred to be called KiKi to Katherine.

Charlie and Renee, our parents' real names, were more than happy to provide the necessary "donations" to assure that Em and I secured places in the Delta Tau Delta and the Delta Gamma houses. It was never a question of "if" we'd get spots, just which room we wanted once we moved in. Emmett was big shit on campus. I mean, I loved the big ape, but he was so un-evolved. Yeah, I know it's not a real word, but it should be. It really was the perfect adjective for my brother. He'd been bitching about the news that UF had acquired some new hotshot quarterback from the midwest or somewhere west of the Mississippi. If I had to listen to him whine about how he wasn't looking forward to having to "break in the new pony" for even one more minute I was going to roll his bike into the lake. I swear. I couldn't understand what the fuss was all about. I mean, didn't they all want the best? So why was the majority of the team crying about his arrival?

Even though I spent a lot of time with my "sisters," I didn't really spend much time in the Dee-Gee's beautiful red brick, Georgian-style sorority house. Between attending classes, working on the campus newspaper, doing research, and the extra things I volunteered for, I didn't have much time. Could you blame me? I came home to KiKi every night! And if you thought her_ name_ was annoying...then you wouldn't last five minutes in a room with the woman. You might think the library was my main haunt, considering that I'm a college student, but actually the practice field for the football team was where I spent most of my free time. I was raised in a home of sports fanatics, and while I wasn't inclined to _play_ sports myself, I loved watching them. Especially football. I could even be convinced to play a few downs with my dad and Em and his knuckle-headed friends on occasion. There was nothing like the smell of freshly cut grass of a football field or the sound of helmets and pads clapping together. If there_ was_ a sport I was remotely interested in playing, it'd be football.

Sports and I never really got along. I wasn't built for sports; Sporty Spice I am not. My "bones" were too big. Well, that's what Grammy Swan always said. She called me her "Big Boned Beauty." Yeah, she was never my fav grandparent. Sure, she had a point, I was never gonna be a super model, but I wasn't Shamu, either. I preferred to think of my generous size as there being more of me to love. But I knew better. The rest of society frowned on any woman that required more than single digits to define her size. Usually I could care less about the rest of society, but since starting college I was more insecure about my appearance than ever before. New people and new situations made me very uncomfortable. That, in addition to the swoon worthy good looks of one Edward Cullen who had been thrust into my little social bubble recently, had me hyper aware of how different I was from my Barbie-esque sorority sisters. For once I agreed with Granny Swan's favorite saying about me: "Thank goodness she has a personality bigger than her hips!"

So this "big boned beauty" relied on her whit and brains to get her by in life. Back in high school I was popular enough, but I think that had more to do with the fact that my brother would beat any stupid asshat to a pulp that had the shit for brains enough to treat me in any way other than respectful. By the time he'd graduated two years earlier, my spot with the in-and-skinny-crowd was cemented. Once I started at UF it was much the same as it had been in high school. Emmett's loyalty and my parents' money assured that I was more than accepted here amongst the student body. That didn't stop me from being insecure about _my_ body. Hell, it never had. Thank god I had friends like Angela and Jenn to get me through my more broody, "poor, pitiful me" moments. They had been around since elementary school and were my closest friends. I could count on them for anything.

_Like go with me to see a giant hole in the ground._

Well, at least Ang agreed to go. Jenn would have gone as well, had she not had to work at the Disney Store in the mall. Don't let the name fool you, it was anything from a happy place to work. So, Angela and I met with Alice and Rosalie, two of my sorority sisters. Rose was actually my "big sister," and responsible for inducting me into all things Dee-Gee. There were never two more polar opposite people in the world than Rose and I, but we got along very well. She quickly became as close as a real sister. Alice was an adorable bolt of lightning, if you could call lightning adorable. I swear you could power an entire college campus for a decade if you could just harness all her energy. She was warm, and sincere, and the kind of person you'd want on your side. Always. At the time, it was exciting to think we were all going on an adventure together. The only thing that made me nervous was that Edward would be there too. Of course he would be, he planned the whole thing! I had a feeling that this whole excursion was an elaborate plan to throw my brother and Rose together, though. The guy had it bad, and if he'd just man up and pull his head out of his ass he might even have a shot with her. But noooooooooo! He has to act all "cool." Like I said before, he's an asshat. In my opinion, Rose was exactly what he needed. So I agreed to go with everyone and told myself I was going just to keep Emmett from screwing up what small chance he might have with Rose.

While I was nervous about being around Edward I was thrilled at the same time. The guy was magnificent, and so easy to look at. I may or may not have spent some quality time with my "rabbit" picturing him, and moaning his name in my sleep. I can neither confirm or deny that first fact, but KiKi swears to the second. Besides, what would a guy like him want with a girl like me? He was... perfect, and I... wasn't. Far from it. But that wasn't going to stop me from flirting with Mr. Perfect. Nor was it going to stop me from doing everything I could to keep Emmett from killing him. The world would be a much darker place without Edward Cullen in it. At least mine would be. For whatever reason, Em had decided that it was his purpose in life to make Edward's a living Hell. The pranks that guy had endured were borderline scary. Em insisted it was all in good fun, but I had yelled at him until I was blue in the face the day he hit Edward so hard that he knocked him out cold on the practice field. I threatened to tell Mom and Dad about his shenanigans if he didn't ease up. He's lucky he chilled the fuck out, because Mom would have torn him to shreds if she knew what he'd been up to. For all his badass ways, deep down, my brother was a momma's boy.

The few times I'd been around Edward I felt drawn to him. I just assumed that was my hoo-ha's doing, though. It was like it was a magnet and Edward's dick was due north. Not that my hoo-ha and Edward's dick would ever be intimately acquainted, but a girl can dream, or fantasize. Too bad he would never feel the same way. I think I could have fun with Mr. Perfect, Edward Cullen and his Golden Boy hands. Ughhhh, those hands!


	2. See Ya Later, Alligator

**See Ya Later, Alligator! (To be read AFTER CH9 Of EOEC)**

EoEC Outtake

Picspiration: i(dot)imgur(dot)com/chLbw(dot)jpg

_**A/N: **__Still don't own Twilight._

**8===================D**

**Em POV**

I stood in my room adjusting the massive red bow thingy I'd strapped around my waist.

_This has got to be the best idea I've ever had! _

I mentally patted myself on the ass. Sure, most people patted their backs, but when you have an ass as fuck hawt as mine, you choose the ass over the back every time. Even if it _is_ only mentally.

I was expecting a very special visitor; someone I'd been waiting to spend quality time with for some time now. After months of flexing and pulling every trick out of my "You know you want to do me" hat, I had finally caught the attention of Rosalie Fuck Me Hale, and she was on her way over. Presentation is everything, so I bought the biggest bow I could find and after stripping down to my birthday suit, I tied that bitch on and situated it just so over my jock. It barely covered all my bits and pieces, if you catch my drift, but if I stood perfectly still then it worked. I was expecting her to knock on my door begging admittance at any moment. Imagine my surprise when the door flung open and there stood Edward Mother Fucking Golden Boy Cullen! The semi I'd been sporting deflated faster than a balloon animal hugged by a porcupine.

"What the FUCK, Cullen? Don't you ever knock?"

"Oh, shit! FUCK, Emmett! What the hell are you wearing?" He jumped back like he'd seen a snake.

_Well, the ladies don't call him Anaconda for nothing! _

"I've got a special play all tied up for ya, Golden Toy. Now bring that tight end over here and let me give you the blitz of your life!" The look on his face was fucking priceless. I just wish I'd had my camera to capture the moment!

"Nu-uh, fucker, I don't play for the other team. I'm Team Pussy all the way. Sorry to disappoint ya, man."

"Oh, fuck off, Eddie! This is for Rose. She's on her way over as we speak to get the ride of her life, so unless you're here for a front row seat then you know where the door is, sweet cheeks."

"Oh, yeah? Rose finally threw her standards out the window and decided that the bottom of the barrel was better than the alternative?"

"If the alternative is you, then hell yeah! Now, OUT!"

"Fine, McCarty, but I have one thing to say before I go, and I'm not leaving until you hear me out." The guy had his "game face" on. The one he stared down the linemen on the opposite team with. I figured I'd humor the poor shit and give him five minutes of my valuable time.

"Spill it, Edith, but if I'm standing here flopping in the breeze then you have to be, too. Drop trou."

"What the fuck? Dude, you CHOSE to be naked! You can choose to be un-naked!"

I was testing him. I certainly didn't want to see his frank and beans! Hell, even if I did, I'd had ample opportunities to ogle 'em in the locker room. No, I figured if whatever it was that had him barging into my room was as important as I thought, then he wouldn't hesitate. Then I'd know just how much this little impromptu audience with me was to him. I shot him a look that clearly stated, "No nakey, nakey, no talkey talkey!" What? My looks were extremely expressive!

"Fuck it all!" he growled and made quick work of his pants, letting them fall around his ankles with a _thud_. "Satisfied?" he huffed.

"Nope. You don't have the right equipment to satisfy this fucker. But you have my attention. What was so damned important? And make it quick. You have two minutes."

"Asshole. I came to tell you that... Well, I've been... I'm not sure how to say this, but... Here's the thing, I'm..."

"Gay? Queer? An ass pirate? A jockey on the bologna pony express?" I was getting tired of his yammering and stammering. Rose would be there any minute!

"NO! Motherfucker! Shut up! You're the one with a bow over your pecker!"

"And you're the one with his Jockeys down around his ankles. You are _so_ bottom material!"

"Bite me."

"Spit it out, princess. What did you come here to tell me if not that you have a huge man crush on my fine ass and want to play 'hide the cannoli' with me?"

"Ew, I think I just threw up in my mouth a little." Well, the guy _was _looking a little green around the gills. And when I say "gills" please know that I wasn't looking south. That is NOT a euphemism for any part of the male anatomy!

"So, spit it out already!" And did he ever spit it out! In one long word, no less!

"_I'mdatingBellaandwe'reinlove!" _

"Huh."

"I'm serious, Em. I'm not kidding, and I'm serious about her, too. I won't stop seeing her no matter what you threaten to do to me! Just know this: she loves me just as much as I do her. If you try to sabotage this then she's going to end up hating you. You're better off being okay with this and not making this any harder on her than it already is." I let him spew his nonsense.

"Okay," I answered simply.

"Okay? What the fuck, 'okay'? Is that all you have to say on the matter?"

"Well, no. I could go with all the usual asinine things brothers say to their sisters' boyfriends, but Bella's a big girl and can take care of herself. She_ did _grow up with me as a brother, after all. Besides, I have a better idea..." I shifted the bow at my crotch and his eyes darted down to the movement.

"What's that?" he asked nervously.

"Prove yourself to me and not only will I allow you to date Bella, but I'll stop riding your ass so hard."

"Yeah, right! Like that would ever happen! Maybe in an alternate universe!"

"Seriously, dude. You do this then I'll leave you alone and let you see Bella."

"What do I have to do?" he asked. I thought about it for a second. Then it came to me. I could almost see the light bulb click on over my head.

"Wrestle a gator and get photographic proof that you did so."

"_Whatthefuck?_ Are you insane? Do I look like Crocodile Dundee?"

"More like that piss ant, Steve Irwin. May he rest in peace. You'll never be man enough to fill the leather pants of Dundee. Sorry, man, them's the breaks, and my conditions. You want an all-access pass to the Bella Express? Then you have to prove you can handle the pressure. What's it gonna be, Golden Boy?"

"When and where?"

"The 'when' is up to you, but I'd suggest you look for your tumbling partner on the shores of Lake Alice."

"Fine." And that was that. Just like that he agreed to wrestle a fucking alligator so he could date my baby sister.

_Fucker must really have it bad._

"I wouldn't wait too long, lover boy," I cautioned him. "Mating season's about to start, and I'd hate for one of those big bulls to confuse you for their lady love. Just saying..."

"Yeah, yeah. You're so fucking helpful, Emmett."

"I know. Now get the fuck out before—"

"_What the mother__**fuck **__is going on in here?" _Rose's shrill voice shot through the air like a missile. Pretty Boy had his pants back up around his waist and stumbling out the door past Rose so fast you would have thought she'd shoved a stick up his pasty, white ass.

I turned my attention to the Sex on Stilts before me, adjusting my bright red bow. It didn't pass my notice that her five-inch stilettos were the exact same shade of red as my bow.

"Hey, kitten," I purred at her. "I got a special delivery here just for you. Feel free to shake the package and try to guess what it is."

**8==================D**

Four days later I was still walking funny from all the rough sex Rose and I had been partaking in. My phone buzzed in my back pocket as I walked across the Green Banana to the athletic department to soak my sore muscles in the Jacuzzi. It was a text from Edward. I expected it was his white flag, his concession of defeat. The kid was such a mamsy pansy.

Imagine my surprise when I opened the text to find a single image: Edward, standing on the bank of Lake Alice with a Dundee-esque hat cocked on his head, and a four-foot gator draped across his shoulders! The look on his face clearly said: Cullen: 1, McCarty: 0.

**8=================D**

_*****Please note: It is illegal to feed or harass alligators in Florida! **_Not to mention incredibly stupid and dangerous. This is a work of **FICTION** and I do not, by any means, encourage anyone to try this shit in real life. (I can't believe I feel the need to have to add this disclaimer, but I'm sure there's some stupid ducks out there who would try it if I didn't. So **DON'T **mess with gators! Period!) *******

**A/N: **This outtake was a visceral response to the VF pics that were released this week. I saw them and was dying for the reject shots to manipulate for EoEC. Then the idea for this outtake came to me. After bouncing it off my beloved Barburella and the perpetually pervy Racheygirly, I knew this was what had to be. I hope you enjoyed the explanation behind Em's acceptance of his little sis's and Edward's hooking up.

Thanks and love to the usual suspects for making this suck less: **TwilightMundi**, **Barburella**, and **LauraLoo**.

**A/N Part Deux:** Also, if your name is "JustMegsly" you are instructed to insert your name and image wheresoever Rosalie's appears.


End file.
